Behind the Bone Curtain
by DarkFlameOfTheMonkey
Summary: The secret life of a SRMTHFG villain... Extremely short. NEW CHAPTER! Ch 6: Mandarin has invisble friends... Ch 7: SK doesn't keep his promises, and the media is getting bored...
1. The Bone Curtain

**A/N: You think you know them. You do. Well, in fact. Some of you are fangirls/guys. You know them like the lines of your favourite movie.**

**This will come to you as a great surprise.**

**You don't know everything.**

**But worry not. All will be revealed to you soon.**

**As the Bone Curtain is parted...**

The Bone Curtain

The Citadel of Bone. Quite famous on Shuggazoom. Talk about it is done in whispers, the inhabitants of that oddly-coloured planet fear it. Hey, Citadel of Bone, you're the scariest building in orbit, how do you feel?!

The rugged surface of bone shards. The_ immense_ size of it all. The sleek dominating shape. The shadows that constantly follow it. It is quite fearsome. It is indestructable. Unless of course it gets some bone disease like osteoporosis or arthritis, but that's already been done, so I shan't go to that.

The Citadel was feeling quite scary that morning. Pumped on evil and ready to scare the crud out of anyone and everyone. Oh yeah, this felt like a good day. READY TO... erm...orbit? Well it can't really _roll_, can it? Unless Skeleton King gets a hangover and actually feels stupid and not lazy enough to take the wheel.

Ah yes, the great Citadel has occupants. A MIGHTY EVIL KING, A FIERCE MONKEY WARRIOR, AND... A dumb six-inch pink monkey wearing a skirt. _Great. _Way to kill the mood, you puny..._monkey_? Oh great, I ran out of Sakko insults, just great. Oh yeah, I'm screwing up this fic like never before! Yay me.

Anyways, the stupid citadel was feeling scary, okay? WHOA! Okay, it really _is_ feeling scary. Nice citadel... Don't kill me... Good citadel, good stupid citadel- AGH! Me and my big mouth!

Okay, told you enough about the Citadel of Bone, right? Big scary spaceship, that's all you need to know. As a gag I could leave this fic alone until the citadel turns into an octogenarian and dies with a severe case of arthritis and some in-law problems, not to mention a huge burial complication, but I won't.

Rewind my wandering mind about a fraction of a century, and you'll find that same morning that the Citadel of Bone was feeling supercharged, well-lubricated and ready to take on the world.

...Until a horrid scream reverberated from within it.

**And so I reach for the rope to pull apart the Bone Curtain. The secret life of a SRMTHFG villain! It's more of a drabble-like thing. If I get an idea, I'll write. And they'll be extremely short.**


	2. Leave the Eyelid Alone, Sakko

**Where did we leave off? Oh yeah, the hideous scream...**

Leave the Eyelid Alone, Sakko

**"SAKKO!!!"**

"Sorry sorry sorry. It was around the wrong way. Let me try again..."

Manadarin rubbed his eyes as they involuntarily watered. He opened them again and gave Sakko a tailor-made glare. "You get the stupid things out. Do anything else, and I will obliterate you, got it?" The orange monkey fell back into the chair, and the tiny pink one leapt onto a stool next to him.

Sakko bent over Mandarin's head, his eyes focused and his hand steady. "This one is _impossible_. Too short! I'll have to wait till next week." he groaned after a while.

"Get it out!" Manadrin yelled back. "It's really really itchy!"

"I'm trying to-"

**"OW! Sakko you imcompetent little inferior-"**

"Hey!" Sakko straightened up and struck a defiant pose. "Destroy me, and you lose the benefit. I'm doing this out of my own free will for your sake. This is for your own health and benefit.

"You want those eyebrow hairs out or not?!"

Mandarin pouted and sat back into the chair. "Only because I want to get rid of those out-of-place ones. Don't get any of the longer ones that are fine where they are, _or_ pinch my eyelid like you did before. It's hurts more than anything!"

"Don't _worry _Mandy." Sakko twirled the tweezers in his paw expertly (and I say that for a reason). "I am the absolute _master_ at this sort of thing! It'll be worth it in the end."

Mandarin pointed his finger at the little monkey. "It'd _better_ be."

Sakko bent over Mandarin's eyebrows and readied the pair of metal tweezers.

**Who wants to buy Mandarin's eyebrow hairs? Anyone? Okay, I don't blame ya. Haha, this is turning out to be fun.**


	3. Burn, My Pretty, Burn!

Burn, My Pretty, Burn!

Mandarin laughed gleefully. His eyes were lit up by the glow from the flames.

"SK, Mandarin's burning your underpants!" Sakko whined.

"What?!"

"I said, Mandarin's buring your underpants!"

Skeleton King ran to the scene in a mad frenzy of flailing limbs and cape. He saw what his monkey minion was doing and his mouth fell open.

"Burn my pretty, burn!" Mandarin cackled.

"You pesky little pyromaniac, you!" Skeleton King grabbed Mandarin by the arms and dragged him a few metres away. SK stared at the black heap on the floor. "You burned my _underwear?!_"

"Burn! Hahahaha!" the orange monkey screamed deliriously.

"He has serious problems." Sakko said bluntly.

"Oh, and _you don't_, you- you- you _**weirdo**_!" Mandarin shouted at him. "I'm burning your shampoo next!"

Sakko squealed and leapt at the larger monkey. Mandarin pinned him down easily. The two monkeys grappled on the floor, screaming insults and threats at each other.

"Face it Sakko, your hairbrush will be ashes by the end of the week!"

"You devillish little _**pyromaniac**!_"

"You know, you're not very good at insulting."


	4. Moving Evil Domain

**The history of the Citadel...**

Moving Evil Domain

The strange skull-man moved swiftly through the ship, pausing every now and then to inspect a feature. The real estate agent shifted her tie nervously. Not only because her customer was super-freaky, but because she hadn't expected to have a request for this particular home. She had no preparation whatsoever. She hadn't even known it had existed until this man pointed it out to the business and asked for an inspection.

"Um, would you like to see the kitchen?" she ventured. "I see that you have a rather large digestive system." _No kidding. I really can see his stomach! The kids'll never believe me when I tell them..._

The skull-man shrugged, engrossed with feeling one of the walls. He finally turned to look at her. He nearly made her wet her pants right there and then, but she stood her ground instead of running away screaming like a banshee.

"I think the place is okay. I'll think about it over the weekend and contact you on Monday."

The agent flinched at his voice, but nodded. "I hope this home is the one for you." she said warmly.

_**A few months later**_

Skeleton King carried in the last box of his possessions, dropped it, then slumped into the nearest seat, which was a large, elaborate chair made on bone. "Whoo! Who knew that alchemist had so much _junk_!" His eyes lit up as he suddenly remembered something. "I gotta get some wine... And I get it all to myself! Awesome! I'm gonna get hungover if it takes all night!"

After a hurried search through the floating house and a cry of , "Cool, I have a wine cellar! Who knew!", Skeleton King came back with two bottles of red wine.

After getting reasonably drunk, Skeleton King decided to honour his new house. "I christen ye-" He paused for thought. He hadn't thought about a name yet until he had gotten supposedly drunk. "I christen ye the Citadel of Bone!" He smashed the remaining bottle against the wall, then proceeded to lick the wall, then the floor.

**Yup, he's drunk. But he has a new house! And he christened it! How cute...**


	5. Can We Get a Cat?

Can We Get a Cat?

It was a typical day in the Citadel. Skeleton King was trying out new sitting positions on his throne. Mandarin was trying to scam any old thing off Sakko by any means possible. Sakko was falling for it.

Then, with great and sudden randomness, Skeleton King suddenly asked no one in particular, "Do you think we should get a cat?"

His minions looked up quickly. This was a tad shocking. "Why...a _cat_, Master?" Mandarin inquired at last.

"Typical evil villain necessity. A dumb cat to stroke evilly when you have enemies in your lair. I just thought of it now."

"If the cat's dumb and if that's its only purpose... What's the point of getting a cat?" Sakko asked incredulously.

"So I can stroke it evilly!" Skeleton King yelled. "Jeez Sakko, it's very straightforward!"

"I'd rather get a dog." Mandarin muttered.

SK was about to release a harsh comeback, but then sat back in his throne and pondered this.


	6. Inivisble Friends

**A/N: Hey, I can't believe I'm doing this again! Yay! I really like busting open the secrets of the Citadel of Bone, so here is another chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own SRMTHFG, and I don't even own the dialogue. This is adapted from a conversation some of my friends had. They are weird. As am I. Muahahaha...**

Invisible Friends

It was one of those days when Mandarin was alone and wished he was the sort of mindless species that wore underwear, simply for the reason that he could parade around like a slob in said underwear because he was completely alone.

The orange monkey sat down against the wall and gave a low cackle. "SK and Sakko are crazy..." he mused is a whisper, giggling as he did so. "Muahahahaha..." He smiled to himself after he laughed. Being alone was sort of liberating. And the laughs sounded _so_ cool when he was by himself... Mandarin felt bold enough to try out new ones, and most of them sounded awesome. Shame no one was around to hear them.

"Who are you whispering to?" Sakko asked as he came down the hallway to where Mandarin was sitting. It was not often that he heard Mandarin talk to himself like that.

"My imaginary friend." Mandarin snapped back. "And you don't have one." he muttered tauntingly afterwards.

"_Now_ who are you whispering to?" Skeleton King yelled down from the other end of the hallway. "Another imaginary friend? How many do you have?"

Mandarin's head whipped up. "How do you know any of this?"

"It's a big ship, Mandarin." Skeleton King called in a sing-song voice. "Anyway, can the both of you pathetic morons find the TV remote?"

Neither Mandarin nor Sakko moved and inch.

"Do I actually need imaginary friends?" Sakko said. "I've got real ones."

Mandarin laughed. "Oh come _on,_ Sakko. Anyway, 'imaginary' is just another word for 'invisible'. They _are_ real."

"Yeah. To you they are. Besides," the pink monkey thought out loud. "how do you know they are there _if they are invisible?" _Sakko was sure Mandarin couldn't counter that.

"I have _powers. Wooooo!_ Muahahaha!" After a pause the monkey said, "I'm bored. Let's steal some Doritos off Skel."

"What happened to your imaginary friends?" Sakko teased.

"_Invisible_." Mandarin corrected the little monkey. "_Invisible."_

**I am so crazy... Why am I talking to myself? R&R!**


	7. Free Publicity

**A/N: Hi! I wrote this on a plane to Vietnam, so if it sounds as if I was venting my frustration onto SK, it probably is. And if it seems stupid, it probably is as well. I was on a plane for Bob knows how long!**

**Disclaimer: Like I think about this on a plane...**

Free Publicity

There was a knock at the door. This came as a great shock to everyone, because most people would not think to, dare to or even know _how_ to knock on the door. Usually, to knock on the door of the Citadel of Bone meant you were probably lacking in intelligence, good sense, sanity, or all three. Anyone that did knock was probably a madman, a fool, a nosy reporter or Sakko on one of those times he forgot the key and didn't remember Mandarin's password for the day (not remembering Mandarin's daily password was a very stupid thing to do, because the plasma guns don't like you if you don't remember the password).

Skeleton King, having had a coffee that morning and was actually willing to be useful and do some work around the place he called a house, walked around cluelessly for a while, attempting to find the door. Having at last located it, he opened it to find a man in a suit with slicked back hair standing outside.

"Good morning Mr King, I'm sorry for the intrusion, but would you mind answering a few questions for me?"

SK opened his mouth in shock for a moment. He'd only managed to catch two or three words of the man's speech. What rate did he talk at, five words a second?! Skeleton King didn't get the opportunity to answer the man's first question before he was bombarded by a hideous onslaught of many, many more.

"Witnesses have unanimously claimed that you vowed that, 'When all is fire and brimstone, and the world howls like a rabid beast, the universe will be mine!'" the man cackled, a dead ringer impression of Skeleton King. "Or yours, rather." he continued. "You've unleashed an ice monster on the city, and yet a creature of fire has never been sighted, nor the ground howling ever reported. How do you answer to these speculations?"

Skeleton King blinked and uttered a single syllable, and it wasn't even a proper word. "Huh?"

The man had pulled out a notebook from his jacket pocket and scribbled this measly three-letter syllable down.

_Oh no,_ Skeleton King thought worriedly. _A journalist. This could be a while. Aw. I was planning to watch that game show this morning._

The journalist looked up again. "Now, you made another vow a while ago. You claim that the undead shall devour all the citizens of Shuggazoom City. But since this statement, no one in Shuggazoom has been eaten, by an undead entity or otherwise. How do you reply?" The young man said this all in an excited frenzy, his eyes wide and glistening.

"Oh, for pity's sake!" the skeletal lord moaned. "Would you get off my back already! Who is remembering this stuff anyway?!"

The journalist raised his voice to be heard. "Would you give me one more moment?" He looked down quickly at his notes. "You claimed to be found wherever the Chosen One's fear was. And yet that night when the Monkey Team each met their worst fears, you, Skeleton King, were nowhere to be found, on or near the scene. How do you respond?"

Skeleton King blinked, then gulped slowly.

"I was on vacation!" Skeleton King finally roared. "Or rather, I will be. You contacted my future self, didn't you? Lousy bugger. Now if you don't mind-" SK slammed his door, achieving silence and privacy at last. He walked back into the core of the Citadel, where he met Mandarin, Sakko and some cold eggs.

Mandarin looked up from his breakfast. "Where you been?"

Skeleton King slumped in front of his eggs. "It was a journalist. Who knows which newspaper _that'll _end up in." he groaned.

"Aw, it's not as bad as a current affairs show crew. _They're_ the ones you have to be wary of. Last week a group of magazine reporters called me." Sakko put down his fork. "I mean, what's wrong with purple stilettos? Not everyone has taste like those fashion magazines these days. They're just _so_ inflexible and stereotypical, don't you think?" After a considerable silence in the room, Sakko huffed and resumed eating.

Mandarin spoke. "I think the very same magazine people came yesterday to take photos of me. They said orange was the new in colour now or something weird like that. As well as the neutral colours and organic look." The monkey gestured to his bone covering.

Sakko refused profusely to talk for the rest of the meal.

**Kay, I'm doing this at a relative's house (one that I didn't even know existed) and their modem's plugged into this _cruddy_ painfully slow laptop... So I gotta hurry. R&R PLEASE, I'm going insane over here. For the love of Bob, how does my profile know I'm in Vietnam?**


End file.
